'Boom's Beard' Is The New Shamwow!

Having another solid season with the sub .500 Clippers, Baron Davis does some self-promotion, Billy May's style (R.I.P.). He knows how to market himself, but it's a shame it won't improve his value as he's locked up with the Clip until 2013.  Let's evaluate this offer:

• Boom's Beard- appropriate for any occasion
• Shamwow built into your face
• Prevent people from disrespecting your personal space
• Air cushioning abilities- use as a car safety devise
• Natural blanket for the lady friend
• Free Deron Williams Texturizer Kit
• Recession special $5,000 ONLY $29.99!!

All for a beard that is going to change my pathetic beardless life?  Sounds about right to me.  I mean if I never shaved in my life I'd probably have a beard that looks something like Yao Ming's face with a garnish of Hugh Jackman's burns (key word garnish).  I am also struggling to find a corporate career, so as Baron promised, this beard will help me move up the corporate ladder.  Moral of the story is, I would easily pay five grand for Boom's Beard even without all those incredible add-ons.  I'm conducting the band wagon on this one and calling F2DD's first Locksmith Lick of the century!!